Decisions

I love mornings.

There are two types of people, morning people and night owls. While I do put up a charade of misery when early-morning duties call, the reality is that to me, that early morning is utterly beautiful. It was only recently that I admitted to myself that I am undoubtedly a morning person. The morning light makes the world look gentler, softens its edges, tenderly pries open groggy eyes.

Have you ever been outside to watch sun rise?

It is only a short period of time the air smells just that fresh and fills your lungs with a feeling of potential. As the sun rises and the light floods your vision, all clutter is cleaned out of your head and you forget the existence of clocks. The sun is rising and that is all. You have to be somewhere quiet though, preferably the only one around when the rest of the world is still in slumber. That is when all life that is not people is awake. The birds sing their hearts out, the wildlife calls loud and clear, and the sun shines its light unto the day. The world is an orchestra, and the sun is its leading voice.

These are my thoughts as I wake at 5AM for no particular reason. It is to be a long day. Because I am quite incapable of considering plans carefully or making them well ahead, I bought a bus ticket to New York City yesterday and will spend the next ten hours of this night on said bus. I am a morning person and I rather love trains. I’m going to hate myself for this, I can already tell.

I shall miss my maple lattes



I’m the kind of person who grows restless quite suddenly if spending too long in the same place. I suppose that’s one way of explaining wanderlust. Like the trains I love, I need to feel I’m moving forward. The past week or so have, to share some honesty and insight here, been tearing me apart with decisions. 



I am 19 years old with my life ahead of me, and the decisions I make now may well be the determining factor of how it all plays out in the end. That right there is terrifying. Whether to settle down for university now, whether to invest thousands of pounds in kings college London, whether to study English & Film Arts… Or do a less inspiring degree in Helsinki for free or keep travelling the world full time. Of course there are the responsibilities with the decisions, I need to get myself a steady income and a bit of economic security. It’s a lot to turn around in your head and the most difficult part is deciding on a direction knowing it might be the wrong one. I don’t want to end up thinking, oh if only I’d done a different degree, if only I’d found a better job, if only, if only…

It’s stressful, but for now I finally decided to hop on that bus and keep moving. Making a decision instead of just waiting lifts a great weight off my shoulders, though I know it’s still a ways away from sorting out my future. All I can do is keep making my decisions and keep in mind nothing is truly permanent. And there will always be sunrises to watch. 

So this is New York revisited, because NYC baby, I’m not finished with you.

xox 

Nelli

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